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December 02, 2007



I think we can allow people to seek the kind of love/sex they want and still take precautions. The internet is no more risky than offline hookups in bars and clubs. Had your friend who left the Thanksgiving dinner simply owned up to his desires and told you, "Yes, I'm taking a booty call and his name is X, here's his email address and cellphone number and here is where we're going to meet if anything happens to me" then that would be an example of how we can have our lives, still be safe and look out for one another as a community.

This day after World AIDS Day, we need to broaden our definition of safe sex.

taylor Siluwé

Totally true, Bernie.

But I also feel the addictive nature of this activity needs to be addressed. Just like any other addiction, online gambling, gaming, yada yada, people do it compulsively knowing the dangers.

I don't know what the answer to the problem is, I'm just putting it out there. Your suggestion is a great one -- at least when it goes bad, the police will have more leads to follow.


Bernie has a great point. Upon the inception of internet dating, I most certainly took advantage of the convenience. But whenever I met anyone, I would give my best friend all the information I had on the person I was meeting in case I turned up missing in action. Although in most instances I prudently met the date in public, I still prodded them for an address and phone number, as well as any other information that would be helpful to anyone that needed to find me. I believe as long as there is internet dating, people are still going to take the risk. Therefore, with such risk should come a practice imbued with caution and notification of friends that you can trust. As Bernie pointed out, crazy people can be encountered in any venue, not just on the internet. So overall, everything you do comes with a risk. The key is how you go about doing it in order to ensure your safety.

Cocoa Rican

The loss of life is sad regardless of the circumstances. Personally, I had trouble getting with the program with regard to A4A. I'm not comfortable with meeting strangers online and inviting them to my home. Since beginning my relationship I deleted my profile and if (God forbid) my relationship doesn't work, I'm more likely to stick to strictly in person meetings. They're really my only real comfortable outlet.


How about the bottomline issue of people being unable to maintain healthy, committed, loving, longterm relationships, instead seeking sleazy, dangerous, unhealthy, empty hookups? Perhaps if people would aim higher, they wouldn't have to resort to such hollow substitutes for substantive relationships.

urban survivor

You don't derserve to die, because you're lonely, then to, you can't be stupid in 2007, and stupid is going anywhere to meet somebody you don't know alone ?



Another intelligent blog found, fantastic!

I agree with most of the comments concerning on-line dating and cruising. However, I take issue with Bernie's comments about the internet not being anymore risky than off-line hookups in bars and clubs. If you're in a bar or club and meet someone, you do have the advantage of the "sixth sense" of discernment whereby you might have an "uneasy" feeling about the individual, Or, your friends would hopefully clue you in about the guy, or even perhaps he'd been with someone in the club and hopefully they would warn you. Of course we always must be careful wherever we meet a stranger.

And as Javier said, we must elevate our choice of individuals, however, I've been in this game for many years, and I observed the world over that gay people are attracted to the sleazy "rough trade" type of guy. Among other things, I think many gay men find that type of relationship exciting and challenging much to their detriment.

Just my thoughts.

Brett Thomas

Palms Springs, CA also has it's share of the Adam4Adam cyber-preditors. The company is as non-responsive to the issue as are the police. I can only believe that the issue is much bigger than we know--especially when Meth is added. Ignoring victims because they are/were gay has a long history: Jeffrey Dalhmer, John Wayne Gacey. It is only natural to blame the victim because it releases the rest of us any responsibily and pushes the issue aside. We just go back to the party--as "The Band Plays On".

taylor Siluwe

Thanx for the comment Brett,

I really can't blame the company. I truly believe this is a personal responsibility issue -- like choosing to drink and drive, to take home that stranger you met in a bar, or to trust anyone when all rational evidence says you shouldn't.

I personally have stayed away from those sites for a least a year, having grown frustated with the low calibre of men who lurk there. Only recently I was lured back in ironically because I noticed a huge upswing in traffic to this page -- and some from Adam4Adam itself (as if someone on the site was sending traffic). I was intrigued. It took awhile to get back on because I forgotten all my codes and stuff. Anyway, still don't know where the traffic came from. But, funny thing, some of the same characters that I'd avoided the last time I was on a year ago immediately hit me up. *sigh*

there has got to be a better way.

Brett Thomas

Thanks for your reply to my ranting comment, but drinking and driving is not a "choice" it is a compulsion based on impaired judgment, just like letting the little head think for the big head.

Also alot of the "social networking" sites are data collection organizations that store and may sell/trade or otherwise with your info to whom they'd like and as they wish. (please see PLEXIS, or something like REUNION.COM)

Oddly, some of the best men I have ever met I met on A$A, but so were some of the scariest.

Taylor Siluwé

I still think CHOOSING TO drink knowing you're gonna drive later is a sober choice one makes, just like the sober choice to find that designated driver before you start sucking down the tequila at the club.

These networking sites have their many many dangers { and yes, many are DATA vacuums, which is why i limit the ones i join or the info i give }. But that's the modern world. All we can do is point out the dangers, discuss how to keep ourselves safest and keep it movin'. Doncha think?

Matthew Reynolds

If you're suspicious, here's a good tip: DON'T GO. But I take an unconventional approach. If you think a guy might be want to roll you, simply tell him before you go:

"hey running late because I can't find my wallet, but just gonna drive over there anyway without it... assuming this heap I'm driving even makes it over there! Is that cool?"

See what he says to that. You've just told him that 1) you have no cash on you 2) you drive a piece of shit car that's worth nothing and 3) which all means you're probably poor and have nothing to steal and are merely a waste of time when he could be ripping off rich people with that time.

I realize the best advice is simply not to go, but if you just can't help yourself for whatever reason, or just want to see what's really up, try my technique and see what happens. If he's a thief, he will either not write you back or he'll say he suddenly got busy. If he says "good, looking forward to seeing you" or something of that nature, then you know he's not a thief.

Now if you're dealing with a mass murderer or something who wants to hurt or kill you, that I can't help you with. I have a very good sense of a person from speaking to him, but that comes from experience. If you're over 30 and some young kid is DYING to meet you from out of the blue and right away, then it's usually not for sex. That's just one example. Just use your head. Put yourself in the other person's shoes and ask yourself "if I were him, would I want to hook up with me." Be honest with yourself.

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